Friday, December 21, 2007

Drug Test - can I score some piss?

For the Christmas season, I have been working as a greeter at the Verizon Wireless store in Logan (yes the old Fazloi's). Technically, I'm not employed by Verizon, but by a temp agency out of Clearfield, Ut. The ultimate decision whether to hire me or not was placed on the Verizon store manager. I have spent a lot of time there and have built quite a relationship with many of the employees. The store manager wanted me for the job; the only thing left to do was pass a drug test at the hospital.

I spend from 6:30 a.m. until 5:00 p.m. on campus every Monday through Thursday. I had to take off from work at the Office of Admissions early so that I could take the drug test at the hospital before it closed at 5:00. However, I also, at the time, was looking to rent an apartment, and had to get a rental application from an apartment complex before I went to the hospital.

After picking up the application, I was only a couple of blocks from my house, and knew that I wasn't going to make it to Logan Regional before my bladder burst! It was only 4:30 so I figured I'd just stop by the house, take a leek, and then be on my way to the hospital. In the past, when taking drug tests for jobs, high school sports, etc., I've always filled the urine cup well past the fill line, so I supposed that I would be able to squeeze out enough for a drug test. I stopped by the house and knew that I didn't have the time to have a bowel movement as well so I just stuck to going number 1, even though I really needed to go number 2.

I showed up at Logan Regional Hospital at 4:45, just enough time to pee in the cup and be out before the work med clinic closed at 5. I quickly filled out the necessary paper work and was handed the plastic cup with the green screw-on cap. The nurse gave me the instructions that was to go into the bathroom, fill the cup past the line indicated on the side, not flush the toilet, come out of the bathroom, and give the cup to the nurse, she would have to flush the toilet to make sure that I hadn't tampered with the urine sample. I went into the bathroom and filled what I could. Holding the cup up, I saw that it was a few centimeters from the fill line. I'd given it all I could and had nothing left. Walking out of the bathroom I sheepishly handed the cup to the nurse who was saying goodbye to all of her coworkers as they were leaving for the evening. My already red face reddened even more when she informed me that I hadn't filled the cup sufficiently and that once someone starts a drug test, they can't leave until it is finished. I would have just come back the next day, but as the nurse informed me that was not an option.

At this point it was now 5:15. I spent the next 30minuets, drinking cups of water and reading a magazine about truck driving. At almost a quarter to 6, I thought that I had an inclination to relieve myself. I went to the nurse who was on the phone to her boyfriend, and she handed me a new cup. I walked back into the ever intimidating bathroom with the same instructions to fill at least to the fill line, and to not flush the toilet before bringing the cup to the nurse.

Standing in the bathroom I realized that I really had to go number 2 at this point. It was almost an epiphany: I couldn't go pee because I had to "dump" too. Holding the cup between my legs I sat down on the throne and let it all go, filling the cup well past the fill line as well as a healthy deposit in the water. Walking out of the bathroom, I knew what shame I had ahead of me. I gave the sample to the nurse, and apologized for having taken up her time when she should have been off an hour earlier. She brushed my apology off and snapped the cup out of my hand. Made some marks on a chart and then brushed past me to flush the toilet, making sure that I hadn't tampered with the urine sample. As she entered the lavatory, I figured there was no point in sticking around for anymore humiliation that I had already suffered. What I had left in that bathroom stunk. As I booked it down the hospital hallway, I heard the toilet flush and was happy to have the whole experience flushed away.

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